The Myth: A Perfect Victim
Janet:
We’ve all seen characters make the kind of choices that set them up as The Perfect Victim for a killer. Great for suspense in movies and books, but what about us?
I wondered how survivors or victims of violent crime are so easily painted as perfect, and then when they fall into the arms of danger, it must have been their failure. During a COVID weekend, I watched a few shows where the perp is caught, judged, and punished in one hour. In one episode, I saw the following scene.
The street is dark in the depths of the city. A light foggy mist blurs the streetlights. The girl walks briskly, her hands in her pockets, looking over her shoulder occasionally to check if she’s being followed. Her skirt is too short, and she’s young enough to look unsteady in high heels. She stops at a doorway, checks her lipstick, and rings the bell. We hear the buzz release the lock. A security camera lets us see her walk to the elevator banks and press the button. The doors slide open, and she steps in. The third-floor security camera shows her leaving the elevator and going to a door and knocking. The door slowly opens, and she peeks in, saying, “Hello?” There’s no answer yet she walks in. We see her look right then left into a room with no furniture and a floor lined with plastic, and she walks to the window with her back to the room….
When I see movies like this, I jump off the couch and yell at our television, “Turn around!” “Run!” as the bad dude grabs her hair, pulls her head back, and the scene fades to black………
Somehow, we think we are supposed to be above reproach in our lives, or we set ourselves up to be at fault for getting into an impossible situation. I went to a party and fell for the drummer, had one too many beers, and slow danced with him. I wasn’t a perfect victim, and I didn’t do anything wrong. Yet, I blamed myself for the gang rape that changed my life. I set myself up for the attack. I should have known.
Alexa Nargi writes,
…Because you shouldn’t have to be flawless for your pain to be valid.
- Alexa Nargi, “It’s Time We End the Desire for the Perfect Victim”
I wondered about us, we flawed humans that might have smiled too sweetly at the sales manager, or said yes to the gorgeous guy at our sister’s wedding and ended up in our personal horror show, or said yes to the impossibly cute guy at the bar who offered to drive us home, and it’s the last place we end up. Yes, we are responsible, and most of us learn our lesson. But I want to know if there really is a “perfect victim.” Here’s what I found.
The charming habit of victim blaming is everywhere. It comes from commentators, law enforcement, friends and counselors who say things like this:
“Why did she go to that party, out of town, across the tracks?”
“Why did she drink so much she couldn’t drive?”
“Well, what was she wearing?”
“Why did she wait so long to come forward?”
Ms. Negri points out, “We’ve all heard these kinds of questions before, probably thousands of times now.” Our struggle is to fault the victim, desperate to find the cause, to make sense of the crime. Insanity, no question. But Ms. Negri writes that the human reaction might be that we tell ourselves that the victim or survivor must have done something to cause the violence. There must be a reason.
The drummer I kissed went to prison for rape at another party. He remembered my name and called my house one day. My mother said, “Darling, you have a call from a prison for God’s sake.” I asked her to hang up. I did not remember his name, just the blame.
We are not perfect;
we are messy.
We aren’t easy; we’re complicated.
We are not victims; we’re survivors.
We did not wait too long to tell our story.
- Janet Pfeifer, Our Silent Voice Editor & Founder
Marie:
There is no such thing as the perfect victim.
“In life, you are either predator or you are prey,” I heard someone say. It was a line from a movie. I don’t believe that phrase. We can’t quite live our lives that way.
Girls in sexy clothes and lip-gloss are not the only ones who become victims.
Violence does not discriminate. There is no such thing as setting yourself up for an attack. It is not your fault and it’s not about you.
- Marie Posthumus, Our Silent Voice Editor & Founder
It’s about power, it’s about control, hyper-masculinity and a society that over sexualizes us from a young age with TV shows, movies and advertising. We are inundated and trained continuously to be dissatisfied, and to want more at all times – more cleavage, more shine, and for men- more power, more victory, more prowess.
If there were a no-rape-recipe we could give our friends, sisters and brothers, we would. Then we would all live happily ever after, intact. That’s the backstory of all the TV movies we see where the unwitting soon-to-be victim walks right into the scene/trap and falls prey to the awaiting predator.
I like the way a movie episode has been written into this blog. This can be a creative way to get your story out and onto the page – by fictionalizing it or writing the story in the third person, and making it a ‘story’ outside of yourself. Writing out the factual details as they occurred can trigger and be overwhelming, yet this option is helpful and this is an example of how it can be done.
We are all complicit in the breeding of rape culture. Rape culture and victim blaming is perpetuated across our society through the media, and prevailing social attitudes.
- Marie Posthumus, Our Silent Voice Editor & Founder
The myth of the perfect victim is a result, in part, of our futile attempts to make random acts of violence foreseeable, and therefore, avoidable. ‘If only I never wore that skirt…’
It’s human nature to search for predictability and seek reason when things happen that are out of our control. Therefore, if there were a short list of things we could eliminate in order to rule out the chance of becoming a rape victim, we’d do it.
By the way, there IS a list. An anti-rape-recipe. It’s called the Safer Party Toolkit.
Developed by the SOS Collective (Safe Outside the System) as a way to address violence without involving the police or criminal justice system, I discovered it in “Beyond Survival”, by Ejeris Dixon and Leah Samarasinha. I will paraphrase just a few key things on that list here:
• Know the names and phone numbers of three people who will be at the party that you trust to help you get away from a bad situation.
• Know names and phone numbers of three people who will NOT be at the party who you trust to support you if you experience or witness violence.
• Know at least one easily accessible area where you can go to get away from a bad situation if it arises. ( A well-lit, public space, open 24 hours)
• Know where the closest police station is/the closest hospital or urgent care center.
In my opinion, this could be posted in every high school locker room and every college dorm, just for starters. It may seem like a lot to consider at first glance, but if it begins to re-calibrate rape culture, and if it protects our loved ones and ourselves, it’s well worth every step.
But what about the other locker rooms, the other side of the coin? What else can be posted there? Information about what CONSENT really is and is not. Information about alternatives to violence, ways to save face when the answer is no.
In addition to the list, the Safer Party Toolkit, there are wearable devices and apps like Virtual Halo. Uber has an option on their app that notifies a contact, gives them the route you’ll take and the time of your arrival – then if you do not arrive, that contact knows to be on the alert. Kitestring and watchoverme are two more apps among many.
None of these things is foolproof. Lots of change needs to occur, and will begin with lots of conversations. Let’s talk about this. We’re here to help you get your stories out there!
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