Her rules didn’t protect me from a preacher pressing his hard-on into my back during my immersion baptism at 13. Her rules didn’t protect me from teenage boys holding me down so their friends could rape me at 17. What happened to me was way outside the rules my mother and the etiquette classes taught me. My mother’s rules? They might have been right, but they were all talk and prayers.

Love, Love, Love…Nothing you can do, but you can learn how to be you in time (love) It's easy – John Lennon and Paul McCartney

We love this song, yet we know it’s not easy to leave an abusive relationship and learn how to be you.

Because so many in our community have been profoundly affected by these events, it is more important than ever that we take care of ourselves, our families, friends, and neighbors, and look after one another while navigating our feelings and emotions.

How Can We Stay Safe?

Festivals, raves, and concerts are amazing places to enjoy great music with friends. Alcohol, excessive alcohol use, and group ‘think’ often go hand and hand with assault. Some law firms specializing in those assault cases count alcohol and ‘group think’ as the #1 cause of a Rape Culture in Universities.

“I feel his frozen fingers trail up my thigh…”

This was shared in the media and the girl shaming started. If you’ve been assaulted, in your thoughts you can hear the sounds of people tearing you apart at the seams. We see it on TV and in movies, and we can all imagine what the people around you would say if you talked or testified publicly. What keeps us quiet?

The defining image of a baby is an infant, not a grown woman. Are we small helpless beings that need a strong parent or husband or man to help us? It points to the big strong helper man and weak woman needing help.

Are our roles in society infantilized to keep women in their “place” or provide security, love, and a sense of intimacy?

“Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we are not alone.” ~ Fred Rogers

Our writers have found that finally putting the event on paper in a readable form, it becomes mentionable, separate from the writer. And if it’s submitted to www.oursilentvoice.com/submit we will start the process of manageable.

In the current OSV email, the question is asked – “How were you complicit in your own victimization?” My immediate response is ‘How else should I think?’ I was the wife/woman/weaker who couldn’t leave because of the children, because he had all the money, because he was stronger, because he had the car and, because he could kill me.

Are we afraid to admit our dark side? What are we when we thirst for revenge? What do we do? After all the quiet stuffing, agonizing, self-blaming I’ve done to myself, what else is there to do? “Keeping quiet to cover up what you did to me, and after all you’ve taken from me….”

“This syndrome refers to males who are drawn to helping females in need of assistance, regardless of the costs or the reward. Men with this syndrome are called the white knight. Such behaviors stem from a mindset that perceives the other sex as weak, dependent, absolved of all responsibility for their outcomes, and thinks that she will dedicate herself to loving him because of his help.”

https://www.archiefoundationhome.org.uk/lifestyle/white-knight-syndrome/

Why in the world would you want to write the story of your assault?

Here at OSV, we find the stories of our writer’s heartbreaking and horribly common place. They should not be. We see these stories because of the connection of community. Our Silent Voice is not silent in the shared stories of our experience.

Silence: Why We Choose It …..or Do We?

There are voices that are never heard. Not because no one is listening, but because we don’t speak up. What keeps us quiet?

There are many stories of people using drugs and/or alcohol to deaden the pain, and often it’s a prelude to violence. When a conflict appears, a tiny trigger ignites it.

Consent is defined as: An agreement between participants to engage in sexual activity. Consent should be clearly and freely communicated as an affirmative expression of respect of each other’s boundaries.

He tells her all the time that she will never be a centerfold, that her breasts are too small and hips too wide. He seems turned on by her tears. There are secrets. He smokes and thinks she doesn’t know. He has access to all her emails. He comes and goes without telling her where or when he’ll return. He accuses her of turning their kids against him. Why doesn’t she leave?

It’s a myth that well educated and wealthy people are happier, and unaffected by violence. It’s like saying blondes have more fun – we don’t buy that at all. In fact, victims are more isolated in the suburbs – no one can hear or witness the abuse. Victims in affluent areas sometimes ARE the lawyers, the judges, the professionals, and for this reason, less likely to report. Friends and neighbors want to be blind to the issue and fall away when support is needed most.

The Girl Behind the Fence is the story about a girl, my friend, who was raped by her father. At 11 she was pregnant in a time when abortion was illegal. My mother was so horrified and shocked by what she knew, she didn’t tell me the story until I was an adult. I’d suspected it for all those years, but still, it was stunning to hear it said out loud.