Denial | Responding to Netflix’s ‘Athlete A’
Janet:
In the recently released documentary, “Athlete A” the story of an athlete/parent relationship and stalwart support of Dr. Larry Nassar unfolds. The athletes who were finally heard, whose words were the truth, led to his conviction. He has been sentenced to a total of 235 years in prison.
This led me to research Malcom Gladwell’s Talking with Strangers, in which he explains that truth can be denied when we’re forced to choose between two alternatives, one of which is likely and the other impossible to imagine. “As one parent watched, Dr. Larry Nassar put his fingers in her daughter’s vagina. The mother said, “And I remember, out of the corner of my eye seeing what looked to be potentially an erection.”
Marie:
The recent release of the Netflix movie “Athlete A” has brought the story of so many gymnasts and Larry Nassar to the forefront …again. One of the most impactful moments in the film for me was in seeing the restorative justice implemented in the court room. The gymnasts are given time to be heard, speaking their truths to Larry Nassar. I imagine the closure they must have felt. I felt choked up when I saw one gymnast stand, with one person either side of her for support.
The story of Larry Nassar begged the question of me: What if I had been right there, and something happened anyway?
When my kids were small, I went everywhere with them. I went to every dental appointment and sat in the room while the dentist worked. I watched from the window as they crossed the street and until they got into the neighbor’s house and under another mom’s watchful eye. When they got older, I sat up and spoke with them after each night out, scanning for any sign of unease.
Statistics show that every 9 minutes, a child is sexually abused in the United States.
Would one of my kids reach the age of 50 or 60 and only then begin to understand why they were living with a shadow, with less than the life they could have been having? Would we one day retrace our steps and find a series of failures and breakdowns? It would be a nightmare for any parent.
“When traumatic events are of human design, those who bear witness are caught in the conflict between victim and perpetrator. All the perpetrator asks is that the bystander do nothing. He appeals to the universal desire to see, hear, and speak no evil. The victim, on the contrary, asks the bystander to share the burden of pain. The victim demands action, engagement and remembering.”
― Judith Lewis Herman, Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence - From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror
Our writers are just as brave and selfless, to relive and recount the circumstances and bring the details to light. Telling a story like this is an act of compassion and courage, since it shows others that they are not alone. It’s not just the words written, it’s the very act of the thought process and the writing itself.
The stories can be hard to hear, but listening to them is necessary.
Janet:
When I chose to write about traumatic events in my life, I chose carefully. I didn’t choose the micro-traumas from all the disgusting bosses, their gross behavior, and unreasonable expectations of me, the young woman they hired. Or, the guy customer at the grocery store who patted my rear as I shopped with my baby girl. I chose to write about what was impossible to imagine. I focused on the gang rape at a party in the summer between my junior and senior year in high school.
In the moving submissions to our anthology, they call out the common cry “they knew and did nothing.” Denial is what my parents might have done and I can hear them say, “Not my daughter,” or “What were you wearing?” “What did you do?” My father’s love of guns might have him pack and chase. All those micro-aggressions became day to day: it’s just what happens, what else can you expect? It was my fault anyway.
With all of it, complicit in the self-blame, I grew up strong and self-confident. Of the ten common reactions to trauma outlined in an Oxford Clinical Psych study, mine is “self-image.” I’m strong, I act confident, look good, act kind and generous. Is that denial? I think it is. I deny that I don’t trust. Deny it was them not me. I cover up the walled up angry response with an acceptable tease or laugh or joke. Truth, I really don’t trust anyone, not a single soul and that little monster is part of my choice making machinery. I don’t trust, I’m on alert- asses and evaluate, ready to bolt, ready to cry.
When I tell my third husband that last argument was about trust, I hug him. He can’t do anything about the little traumas that changed me forever. Safe in the hug, he will never know what I’m talking about.
Marie:
We all walk through this life and experience both good and bad. It’s what we do with the experience that will free us or tangle us up. And that is why Our Silent Voice is such an important project. Janet and I both have experienced that one story, scribbled down and committed to paper starts the motion toward freedom from that pain. Our Silent Voice makes that opportunity readily available. It’s never too late to start healing.
If you, someone you know, or a loved one is suffering from sexual abuse in Houston, Texas, know you have options. Visit our Resources page or click the link below to learn more. We believe you, and we’re here for you.
Texas Department of Family and Protective Services at 1-800-252-5400 or online at: https://www.txabusehotline.org