It’s Not That Bad: What Do We Accept?

Why is there harassment at work?  We wonder why and think there’s an answer, but what if we’re wrong? 

Janet: I think it’s about power, winning, domination, and the games boys play with each other. But when I read the submissions in our book, Our Silent Voice: End the Silence, I see plotting and agreement to hurt.  I don’t think work-jerks are the same. Some are worse and some less. But why does it happen? And when it does, why are we afraid to report it?

Marie: Sometimes things become part of our normal lives over time. We’ve all experienced something – like a carpet with a spot on it, you put a plant over it and forget it’s always there. You try not to even think about the stain.

As this relates to our relationships, though, what do we get used to? What are some of the things we should never accept, even if they don’t seem too bad?

Janet: I went to work expecting trouble from one engineer. He was fun and loved by most of his co-workers. I was from a department that needed information from engineering, so I had to go to him first. I talked myself into staying on the high road, being unaffected, having a better sense of humor. But, when he said something and didn’t get the reaction he wanted, he’d challenge me. “Hey sweetheart, not in a good mood today?”  If I laughed him off , as I walked away he’d pat me and say things like ‘he could loosen me up after work’ if I had the time.  The guys around him laughed out loud. Ha! Ha! He got me.

At the company picnic, the engineer’s wife told me that he loved to work with me. Apparently, I was fun.      Right.

Chris Chancey, founder of Amplio Recruiting, said that many victims of workplace harassment do not report it out of fear, and others are unsure of what conduct constitutes harassment.

"Sexual harassment in the workplace is seldom egregious," Chancey said. "Most of the time, it is masked in mild banter, inoffensive comments that are accompanied by sexual gestures or tones, or awkward but seemingly innocuous statements that portray people of a certain gender (usually women) in a negative light."

Marie:  I’ve known many women, myself included, who learned the language of apology first in life, the language of being demure and gentle. And I’ve known some men who think that their competitive humor, put downs and pat downs are acceptable, part of the game. Does this become part of my normal life over time? Is this just like the stain on the carpet that I try to ignore and cover up?

There is enough experience, research, and statistics for us to know that if a person bullies you once, they will try it again. Like the guy who snapped and put his hands around my neck – it wasn’t that bad. I didn’t die. Others have it worse. I didn’t even bruise. But it’s unacceptable! If he did it once, he was sure to do it again. And again. In different and stronger ways. It was that bad.

Chancey encourages employees to take the following steps in these nonviolent situations:

“Try to resolve the issue with the harasser in a calm manner. Ask them, preferably in a private setting, to stop directing this behavior at you. However, if the abuse is physical, do not approach your harasser.

Consider escalating the issue to your immediate manager – unless, of course, your manager is the perpetrator. Bring the issue to the attention of HR if your attempts to resolve it with the harasser fail. If you can, provide evidence such as screenshots, texts, messages and eyewitness accounts.

If you feel that your managers, HR and company management did not deal with your case satisfactorily, get in touch with the EEOC, which can investigate the incident impartially.”

The advice sounds impartial, reasonable, and satisfactory.  Our question is, why does it happen in the first place?

Tell us what you think – post a comment and let us know!