“Why Don’t You Leave?” When Abuse Feels Like Home
Marie: A neighbor and I used to walk together in the mornings. We never got together on an evening or a weekend, those times reserved for husband and family. We walked because exercise at a gym would be too expensive, and her entire wardrobe seemed to come from the Goodwill Store. I never thought much about this at the time. Our friendship deepened, and there we are, walking, and I am hearing that her husband stares at other women when they occasionally go out together.
He tells her all the time that she will never be a centerfold, that her breasts are too small and hips too wide. He seems turned on by her tears.
There are secrets.
He smokes and thinks she doesn’t know. He has access to all her emails. He comes and goes without telling her where or when he’ll return. He has dinner with his extended family once a week, without including her. He accuses her of turning their kids against him.
She is scrupulously honest and loyal. In my opinion she is much too good for him, but that’s putting it mildly. I want to knock down her front door some night, storm into the spot where his sloppy, slouchy, easy chair is and give him a piece of my mind. Screamingly LOUD.
Instead, I just made her giggle over stories of silly revenge plots that would never take place. She couldn’t afford to leave him even though she was miserable. She started anti-depressants and gained weight no matter how much, how fast, or how far we walked.
If you’re hoping your abusive partner will change…
Change can only happen once your abuser takes full responsibility for his/her behavior, seeks professional treatment, and stops blaming you, their unhappy childhood, their drinking, stress, work, or their temper.
https://www.helpguide.org
Marie: Research shows, time and time again, that leaving is the most dangerous time in any abusive relationship. This is when tension runs high, and fury is close at hand. Things can escalate without warning. People also stay for economic reasons, for fear of losing custody or dignity or housing. In the story of the person I walked with, there was a special needs child to consider. It’s messy, it’s complicated.
Janet: Early in my first marriage my family asked, “Why don’t you leave?” As I wrote in Divorce, in Our Silent Voice: Break the Silence, the advice was to talk to our Presbyterian Minister and the Priest at my grandmother’s diocese. In those generous phone conversations, the message was the same. ‘It’s your responsibility, as a wife, to keep the family unit together. Your bruises will heal dear. Pray every day for the wisdom to heal.’ The result was: I did what I could to maintain a stable family, hold my temper, even my voice, carefully listen, be available, and not react. And I prayed every day and night.
Wheel of Power & Control
Janet: The National Domestic Violence Hotline has an article that rings true to me. Why People Stay https://www.thehotline.org/support-others/why-people-stay-in-an-abusive-relationship/
“Abusive relationships are extremely complex situations, and it takes a lot of courage to leave. Abuse is about power and control.”
There may be fear of violence and/or not being able to live independently, free of the abuser.
Abuse can be normalized. Growing up in a home where abusive behavior is normalized, it’s hard to distinguish a partner’s actions as anything but normal.
The silencing shame of being in the situation in the first place, as if it’s ‘my fault.’
Threat and intimidation of losing the children, or outing a secret, or spreading lies – do we need to dramatize “You will never see the girls again!”
Low self-esteem comes from blame and thinking we are at fault. As I write this, I remember what my first husband threated me with and it’s still chilling.
Add a lack of resources, a disability, or tricky immigration status, or your cultural contexts. https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/abuse-in-specific-communities/
The list in this piece ends with Love. I remember deeply loving the father of our children. The man, when he was kind, was the ‘real’ man I fell in love with. Maybe if I did what he asked and behaved like the woman he wanted, he would love me and not hurt me.
Marie: We all want to do whatever we can to preserve love. And sometimes it’s so complicated, control looks like love, and forgiveness seems like the right thing to do again and again. It is very difficult to sort through. If you or a friend you know is sorting through something like this, don’t hesitate to reach out. If you don’t want to confide in someone close, there are hotlines and anonymous chats online that will hear and understand. And there is Our Silent Voice – we are here and we are listening. Don’t stay silent.
We believe that abusive relationships are very, very complex. In our book Our Silent Voice: End the Silence our writer’s scream. They’ve gained strength. Truth: combining their voices is freeing.
Our 2023 book Our Silent Voice: Fierce, Brave, and Loud is for you.
We know that writing your story is a powerful foundation of strength for those of you who are silenced.