You’re Not the Boss of Me

Under the spell of a narcissist…….

A narcissist wants to gain control. But you don’t want to give it, do you? They begin their seduction with charm, and you adore the seduction. It’s sweet with a gentle touch of a wonderful person who’s only interest is you.

And then the insidious, subtle changes begin. The ones that limit mobility, individuality, and freedom. The changes seem small, and you’re conditioned, your behavior becomes normalized.

Dinner is at the exact time, bank accounts need to be combined, he shows up at your job to make sure things are alright, your phone is missing for a while, then he just needed your password for a small thing in your laptop. Any argument or refusal is ignored and earns the response of even tighter control.  

It becomes impossible to pinpoint what has happened until you escape the power of that abuser – the narcissist.

Janet: The controlling behavior in my first marriage began during our day-to-day life, in a furnished apartment, with a new baby in a suburb of Los Angeles. We were in college, and he had a job with his step-father. Bill was open with his conviction that I had ruined his son’s life. In fact, he offered me money to go across the border to Mexico to get an abortion.  

I’d taken a break from school to get our life “organized.”  Organized meant, provide whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted. I had to give him change from the $25 grocery budget, put my part-time pay in an envelope on the kitchen table addressed to him. He became obsessed with a piece of dust, dirt on the front mat, leaves falling in October, creases in his white starched shirts, the timing of meals, and the dot of toothpaste on the bathroom mirror.

Marie: I used to walk with a neighbor who would never get together with me for an evening or on a weekend. On weekday mornings, we walked because exercise at a gym was too expensive, and her entire wardrobe seemed to come from the Goodwill Store. I never thought much about it at the time. Our friendship deepened, and as we walked, I heard her say her husband stared at other women when they occasionally went out together. He tells her that she’d never be a centerfold, her breasts are too small and hips too wide. She said he seemed to be turned on by her tears.

He had access to all her emails. He came and went without telling her where or when he’ll return. He had dinner with his extended family once a week… without including her. He accused her of turning their kids against him.

Anything that she said that was even slightly negative about him was immediately called “hysterical”. It equaled invisible blunt force trauma for my friend.

“Coercive control is a strategic form of ongoing oppression and terrorism used to instill fear. The abuser will use tactics, such as limiting access to money or monitoring all communication, as a controlling effort.”

Cindy Lamothe, www.healthline.com,

Janet: I’m experienced living with a narcissist. He never took responsibility for his actions. I was too sensitive, I was overreacting, and imagining things. It was my fault for causing his abusive actions. 

I wrote a poem, addressed to him, and part is below:  

You

…pushed me into the refrigerator while our baby slept and pressed your fist into my stomach while you, with hate and scotch on your breath, said i ruined your life…

… refused to speak with me for a week, threw your dinner in the trash each night just to see what i would do. 

…brought a drunk woman home to our one-bedroom apartment and said she was sleeping in our bed. in my place. next to our baby’s crib. the woman laughed, called you a sick f*#ker and left.

…left for ten days taking our car and leaving me and the baby with no money, a drained bank account, and no word. your mother said you needed a rest from the responsibilities i forced on you.  

…threatened to put me away because i was crazy….because i couldn’t stop crying.

I took a leap off a cliff, holding the small hands of my daughters and we left.

We almost lost everything but, we were not alone. I had extended family and even though I was proud and tried to hide the trouble we were in and appear strong. I failed at it almost every day. 

Call 1-800-656-4673

If you know someone who might be in a similar circumstance, support them by sharing the resources that are there. (Call 1-800-656-4673).  Help them think through a safe exit strategy, just in case. If there are children, the kids should know a neighbor or a library they can go to for a few quiet hours. It’s a good idea to check in with a domestic hotline regularly. Events will go on record and things will be in perspective. Document every event – this can be significant later. These resources are here for this very reason.

Marie: My friend couldn’t afford to leave her husband. She was miserable. She started anti-depressants and gained weight no matter how much, how fast, or how far we walked.

We don’t live in the same neighborhood anymore. She’s since divorced, moved away, rebuilt her life. Now she enjoys a wider family, including new sons-in-law and brand new grandchildren. She is one of the very lucky ones.

If you or a loved one is experiencing domestic abuse, there is help.

I wish I had known then what I know now.  I would have encouraged her to maintain a network of support. Although I checked in on her on a regular basis, I could have also asked her to put an exit strategy in place, one where she could get out safely if she ever had to. But like so many people, neither she nor I realized the seriousness of the situation at the time. Looking back, I see it.

If you or a loved one is experiencing domestic abuse, there is help. Click here to find support near you.

We believe you and we want to help.