Forgiveness: How Radical
Marie:
First and foremost, let me say that you are under no obligation to forgive if you are not ready to. Let no one rush this.
In early talks about the concept for this book, Janet and I agreed that it would be important to explore and write about forgiveness, as it relates to sexual abuse, trauma and domestic violence. Our lofty goal was to find the silver linings, the good that comes out of this, the victory.
And we did find some of that. Perhaps more importantly, and much more human, is the observation that forgiveness does not always come. It is a unique and uneven process, imperfect, blemished and sometimes simply out of reach. At least, for right now. And that is perfectly alright.
Can perps be forgiven? Can they change? Do they feel remorse? We wanted to know.
Janet:
Forgiveness is universally defined in the Bible: “And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” 8 Psalm 32:1. The radical approach says they, who violated you, don’t care and probably don’t even remember it happened.
I didn’t blame my bosses until I learned to thwart their aggression, I blamed me. You’ll hear this in your own voice, “Maybe I shouldn’t have laughed at his joke,” or “I just went out for a drink, maybe if I said no, it wouldn’t have happened,” or, “If only I’d walked home on Main street,” or, “Not gone to the party,” or “Worn that dress,” or, “Flirted with the drummer.”
In the article Women Should Be Able To Walk The Street Naked, Ambaa Choate writes:
A woman should be able to walk down the street completely naked and not be raped or even worry that she might be. This narrative we have that men cannot control themselves if they become filled with desire for a woman is really insulting to you men! Is that really all it takes for you to turn into animals? I don’t think so.
Ambaa Choate, Women Should Be Able To Walk The Street Naked
In my second marriage to a successful physician, I’d come home after work and was getting ready to take a well-deserved shower. I’d spent the day in a pump manufacturing plant with senior managers and needed warm running water to sooth my soul and ready myself for the report I had to write by our evening deadline.
As I bent over to take off the last leg of my suit pants, I heard a rustle coming from the closet. I ignored it until the thought occurred, MOUSE! Stealthily, I gently eased open the closet door, my heart beating in anticipation.
It wasn’t a mouse; I saw two adult feet under the hanging dresses and a pair of binoculars falling to the ground. My sheepish husband slinked out from behind the clothes. I screamed at him. I did it really loud and included some rich language.
After I bellowed “Explain yourself!,” I knew I might have gone too far. But still, it was shocking. We went to one numbing counseling session where it came out that he had a quirky thing about watching. I was kindly asked what I needed, and of course I tried to be understanding about his voyeurism problem. I did say what I needed was to feel safe in my private moments. He agreed to my need for privacy and I checked the closet every time I walked into our bathroom.
I think of that situation while I read Ms Choate’s article. I should have been able to feel safe in my own home, and I prayed for the strength to give up what I held against him and forgive him his trespasses. I prayed and tried hard to realign my anger into forgiveness but I never trusted that man again. Our marriage imploded when his secretary announced he loved her. Maybe it was there all along during the fourteen years we were married and I just didn’t see it.
Marie:
Some perps see the mistake they’ve made and truly wish to change. Some do get the chance to try to change by receiving intensive therapy while in prison.
Are we really more beautiful at our broken spots? Are the scars really the openings that the light comes through? Bryan McGill offers this quote from Simple Reminders: Inspiration for Living Your Best Life
We are all damaged… All of life is a process of recovery that never ends. We each must find ways to accept and move through the pain and to pick ourselves back up. For each pang of grief, depression, doubt or despair there is an inverse toward renewal coming to you in time. Each tragedy is an announcement that some good will indeed come in time. Be patient with yourself.
Bryan McGill , Simple Reminders: Inspiration for Living Your Best Life
And having patience with ourselves and trusting the process seems key. Let’s talk more for a moment about what we can do for ourselves. We propose that forgiveness is work that we do as self care. It releases US. If we can reach, or even lightly touch on forgiveness, we can let the burning anger go. It doesn’t mean we forget, or condone what has happened. It does not mean that we let the whole thing go. We learn to hold firm healthy boundaries – and that is a sign that we respect ourselves – and that hinges on forgiving ourselves, so that there is room to grow. Room to move forward. What would it be like if you had a day of not second guessing yourself? Not re-living and reviewing how it all happened and what if you’d done something different? How would it feel if you really, truly believed it was not your fault? One of the pieces I wrote begins like this:
Do I really believe in forgiveness?
Or do I pay lip service
And keep fear
In my pocket?
A large part of human strength lies within the belief that being heard and validated and forgiving ourselves is the foundation of healing. When silence is given a voice, the human ability to move forward is powerful.
Janet:
So, here is the radical part. Maybe who I have to forgive is me for making myself the villain in this scenario. Not understanding, lacking a sense of humor, or insight into his poor hurt feelings. Maybe I should give myself a break. Maybe give up trying to forgive the perpetrator of this indignity. Maybe it’s forgiving ourselves for feeling guilty, wrong, stupid, ashamed and afraid.
You’ve heard “Love yourself.” How about forgive yourself?
We have, will you?