Coercive Control: Is This Love?
Marie:
No, don’t, stop. Sounds like something you might say when you want more, right? Sounds sexy? In this instance, these are words used by survivors. Victims are not quiet, and they do resist, and they say things like “No.” ” Don’t” and “STOP!” But these demands are usually not met. They will be ignored, or garner a response of even tighter control.
Janet:
I wrote a piece, called Divorce. It’s not scholarly or analytic but a list of what happened in my first marriage. We had two babies, and in my view, the girls and I got out just in time.
When he and I met, we were immediately attracted to each other and as time went on, decided, like many friends in 1967, to get married. We followed all the required duties of a newly engaged couple, the newspaper announcement, an engagement party and dinners with each set of parents. All went well until I got pregnant right before we left for university together.
The world exploded into the rush to get married.
The controlling behavior began during our day to day life, in a furnished apartment in Arcadia, a suburb of Los Angeles, and with a new baby. We were in college and he had a job with his step-father Bill in a manufacturing plant in the nearby town. Bill was open with his conviction that I had ruined his son’s life. I’d taken a break from school to get our “life organized.”
Organized meant, provide whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted. He became obsessed with dust or a piece of dust on the front mat, leaves falling in October, creases in his white starched shirts and food. His mother called, drunk and out of her mind, and told me I wasn’t sexually satisfying her son.
I was in a swirl of disbelief. Our college life was fun, we agreed on everything and in the snap of a wedding, things changed.
The piece I wrote, is addressed to him and it begins:
You
…pushed me into the refrigerator while our baby slept and pressed your fist into my stomach while you, with hate and scotch on your breath, said i ruined your life…
… refused to speak with me for a week, threw your dinner in the trash each night just to see what i would do.
…brought a drunk woman home to our one bedroom apartment and said she was sleeping in our bed. in my place. next to our baby’s crib. the woman laughed, called you a sick f*@# k and left.
…left for ten days taking our car and leaving me and the baby with no money, a drained bank account, and no word. your mother said you needed a rest from the responsibilities i forced on you.
…threatened to put me away because i was crazy….because i couldn’t stop crying.
I took a leap off a cliff, holding the small hands of my daughters and we left. We almost lost everything but, we were not alone. I had extended family and though I was proud and wanted to hide the trouble we were in, I failed almost every day.
Coercive control is a strategic form of ongoing oppression and terrorism used to instill fear. The abuser will use tactics, such as limiting access to money or monitoring all communication, as a controlling effort.
Cindy Lamothe, www.healthline.com, 10/10/19 medically reviewed by T Legg, PhD, CRNP
Last week, as I sat in the passenger seat in my granddaughter’s new car, I listened as she quietly and carefully shared, she had a new boyfriend. I asked her what quality she liked the most about him and she said, “He’s kind to everybody.” I thought, in that instant, maybe the cycle has changed.
Marie:
I used to walk with a neighbor who would never get together with me for an evening or on a weekend. On weekday mornings, we walked because exercise at a gym would be too expensive, and her entire wardrobe seemed to come from the Goodwill Store. I never thought much about this at the time. Our friendship deepened, and there we are, walking, and I am hearing that her husband stares at other women when they occasionally go out together. He tells her all the time that she will never be a centerfold, that her breasts are too small and hips too wide. He seems turned on by her tears.
There are secrets. He smokes, and thinks she doesn’t know. He has access to all her emails. He comes and goes without telling her where or when he’ll return. He has dinner with his extended family once a week, without including her. He accuses her of turning their kids against him.
She is scrupulously honest and loyal. In my opinion, much too good for him. This is putting it mildly. I want to knock down her front door some night and storm into the spot where his sloppy, slouchy easy chair is and give him a piece of my mind. Really LOUD. Instead, I just make her giggle over stories of silly revenge plots that would never take place. She can’t afford to leave him even though she is miserable. She starts on anti-depressants and gains weight no matter how much, how fast, or how far we walk.
There was no single, dramatic event. No visible injury. The systematic control and confusion eroded away her quality of life. This kind of control can escalate without warning.
I wish I had known then what I know now, which is this: I would have encouraged her to maintain a network of support. Although I checked in on her on a regular basis, I could have also asked her to have an exit strategy in place. A way to get out safely if she ever had to. But like so many people, neither she or I realized the seriousness of the situation at the time. Looking back, I see it.
If you know someone who might be in a similar circumstance, support them by knowing the resources that are there. Help them think through a safe exit strategy, just in case. If there are children, the kids should know a neighbor or a library they can go to for a few quiet hours. Sometimes extended family members are the last to know- and if possible, this type of isolation should be avoided.
It’s a good idea to check in with a domestic hotline regularly. Events will go on record and things will be in perspective. These resources are here for this very reason.
My walking partner? We don’t live in the same neighborhood and don’t walk anymore. She has since divorced, moved away, and rebuilt her life. Now she enjoys a wider family, including new sons-in-law and brand new grandchildren. She is one of the very lucky ones.
If you or a loved one is experience domestic abuse, there is help. Click here to find support near you. We believe you, and we want to help.