Is Forgiveness a Radical Act?

Marie:   Forgiveness does not always come. It is a unique and uneven process. Imperfect, blemished, and sometimes simply out of  reach. At least, for right now. And that is perfectly alright.

Our topic is radical forgiveness. I’d like to talk about ways that this concept intersects with self-care/self-forgiveness and the way that trauma leaves a lifelong aftermath that influences who we are.

Once beaten down, a victim can feel guilty, ugly, and ashamed. This can spill over into everything we do – the way we feel and carry ourselves, the clothes we choose, the people we unconsciously attract into our lives, the jobs we accept, it goes on and on. Maybe we’re not all the things that may have been said about us. If we can forgive ourselves and let that go – what amazing things might open?

I resonate with Marianne Williamson when she says: 

“Forgiveness doesn’t make us more vulnerable to manipulation or exploitation; in fact, it makes us less so. For the mind that forgives is a mind that is closer to its true nature. The fact that I forgive you doesn’t mean you “won.” It doesn’t mean you got away with something. It simply means I’m free to go back to the light, reclaim my inner peace, and stay there.” - Marie

And we found that forgiveness does not always come. It‘s a unique and uneven process, imperfect, blemished, and sometimes simply out of reach.

At least, for right now.

And that is perfectly alright.

Janet:  Forgiveness is universally defined in the Bible: “And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” 8 Psalm 32:1. The radical approach says they, who violated you, don’t care and probably don’t even remember it happened. 

We are all damaged… All of life is a process of recovery that never ends.

Janet: In my second marriage to a successful physician, I’d come home after work and was getting ready to take a well-deserved shower. I’d spent the day in a pump manufacturing plant with senior managers and needed warm running water to sooth my soul and ready myself for the report I had to write by our evening deadline. 

As I bent over to take off the last leg of my suit pants, I heard a rustle coming from the closet. I ignored it until the thought occurred, MOUSE!  Stealthily, I gently eased open the closet door, my heart beating in anticipation.  

It wasn’t a mouse; I saw two adult feet under the hanging dresses and a pair of binoculars falling to the ground.  My sheepish husband slinked out from behind the clothes. I screamed at him. I did it really loud and included some rich language. 

After I bellowed “Explain yourself!” I knew I might have gone too far. But still, it was shocking. We went to one numbing counseling session where it came out that he had a quirky thing about watching. I was kindly asked what I needed, and of course I tried to be understanding about his voyeurism problem. I did say what I needed was to feel safe in my private moments. He agreed to my need for privacy, and I checked the closet every time I walked into our bathroom. 

Women Should Be Able To Walk The Street Naked-Ambaa Choate

A woman should be able to walk down the street completely naked and not be raped or even worry that she might be. This narrative we have that men cannot control themselves if they become filled with desire for a woman is really insulting to you men! Is that really all it takes for you to turn into animals?

I don’t think so.

Janet: I think of that situation while I read Ms Choate’s article. I should have been able to feel safe in my own home, and I prayed for the strength to give up what I held against him and forgive him his trespasses. I prayed and tried hard to realign my anger into forgiveness, but I never trusted that man again. Our marriage imploded when his secretary announced he loved her. Maybe it was there all along during the fourteen years we were married, and I just didn’t see it.

Marie: Are we really more beautiful at our broken spots? Are the scars really the openings that the light comes through?

Bryan McGill offers this quote from Simple Reminders: Inspiration for Living Your Best Life 

“We are all damaged… All of life is a process of recovery that never ends. We each must find ways to accept and move through the pain and to pick ourselves back up. For each pang of grief, depression, doubt, or despair there is an inverse toward renewal coming to you in time. Each tragedy is an announcement that some good will indeed come in time. Be patient with yourself.”

And having patience with ourselves and trusting the process seems key. We propose that forgiveness is self-care. It releases US. If we can reach, or even lightly touch on forgiveness, we can let the burning anger go. It doesn’t mean we forget or condone what has happened. It does not mean that we let the whole thing go.

We learn to hold firm healthy boundaries – and that’s a sign that we respect ourselves – and that respect hinges on forgiving ourselves, so that there is room to grow. Room to move forward. What would it be like if you had a day of not second guessing yourself? Not re-living and reviewing how it all happened and what if you’d done something different?

How would it feel if you really, truly believed it was not your fault?

One of the pieces I wrote begins like this:

Do I really believe in forgiveness?

Or do I pay lip service

And keep fear

In my pocket?

A large part of human strength lies within the belief that being heard and validated, then forgiving ourselves, is the foundation of healing. When silence is given a voice, the human ability to move forward is powerful.

Janet:  So, Here is the radical part. Maybe who I must forgive is me for making myself the villain in this scenario. Acting mean, lacking understanding, or admitting to lacking a sense of humor, or refusing to offer insight into his poor hurt feelings. Maybe I should give myself a break. Maybe give up trying to forgive the perpetrator of this indignity. Maybe it’s forgiving myself for acting angry, stubborn, righteous, and pulling away.  

You’ve heard “Love yourself.” How about forgive yourself? 

We have, will you?

Love, Janet and Marie