Drink to Kill the Pain or Spark a Violent Flame
Marie & Janet:
There are many stories of people using drugs and alcohol to deaden the pain, often leading to dependence on a substance. But, unfortunately, the drug that temporarily takes the edge off is the source that causes us to drift farther and farther away from substantial healing.
In addition, some people use drugs and alcohol, and a spark of conflict can become violent with lowered inhibitions. Just a tiny trigger ignites it. We rarely expect the explosion when someone's been drinking for hours, trips on a shoe, and spins out of control. There's no warning – it can be chaotic and damaging.
Another example is when an abuser ruffies a victim to gain control.
But how can we face the pain and begin to heal? Our answer is part of the healing equation: write about it. This is part of laying the foundation for freedom from substance and pain.
Marie:
Imagine self-medicating to stay silent, or cope with what happened, sending a survivor to the comfort of oblivion. Substances are like so many veils we have cut through later to get to the truth, to the root, and find our way back to our true selves. Alcohol and drugs can fan the flames of outrageous behavior and give the user frightening strength.
I knew a man who used to come home drunk and pull his daughters out of bed by the hair in the middle of the night. No one knew why.
His wife slept on the bottom step of the stairs, so he'd have to go through her first to get to them. You can imagine how much angst this all caused, and yet it was untenable even to contemplate, in a good Catholic family, stopping this routine through a divorce or reporting it to any outside agency. EVER.
According to the World Health Organization, alcohol consumption significantly contributes to intimate partner violence, and links between them are manifold. In a study done at Caron Treatment Centers in 2004, it was found that:
“...when compared with non-victims, rape victims are 3.4 times more likely to use marijuana 5.3 times more likely than non-survivors to use prescription drugs for non-medical purposes. Victims of sexual assault, including childhood sexual abuse, may use alcohol or drugs to numb or escape from painful memories.”.
Caron Treatment Centers, 2004
The shame and stigma of drinking and drug use, layered on top of the shame and stigma of sexual assault, make this a complex issue. The connections go back and forth between violence and addictions. Add to that the fact that addicts are easily targeted when under the influence.
Being drunk of high lowers anyone's impulse control and can open the floodgates to violent behavior. Substances can be there before the assault, during the assault, and as a coping mechanism long after the assault. Each needs a different response and treatment to unravel.
What about killing the pain of sexual abuse with alcohol or drugs? When the pain, whether it be the physical pain or the painful memories of sexual abuse, causes a person to numb themselves so repeatedly that they become addicted and unable to stop? Addicts are often ignored or shunned by society. How can they be encouraged to reach out and report? Most will blame themselves for years to come unless they can open up to a devoted therapist.
Having been drinking or using before an assault shames and silences victims from reporting. The unwitting or involuntary use of substances during an assault makes the sequence of events tough to discuss and sort through. The use of drugs to mask pain after an assault buries it. Then, it makes it much harder to reach and diagnose depression or co-occurring anxiety; therefore, much further away from healing.
Janet:
I wasn’t drunk when I was raped at a High School party, the boys were.
I wasn’t high when I fought back my drunk date as he tried to rape me.
When my addicted husband didn't get what he wanted outside our home, he unleashed his drunken rage with forced sex. He'd wake me, my clothes hard ripped so he could take me unaware, thrilling him and leaving me in silent tears.
The advice I got at that time was like this: “It’s your job to calm your husband and provide a safe environment for your family.” My response was realized with my feet.
In my poem to Divorce, the first line is:
…YOU pushed me into the refrigerator while our baby slept and pressed your fist into my stomach while you, with hate and scotch on your breath, said i ruined your life.
In my personal experience, sexual violence was fueled by my abuser’s addiction to alcohol and drugs. It’s a serious problem that can have lasting, harmful effects on victims, their families, friends, and communities.
I chose to write about it. Too late by most measures, but not for me. I chose to survive and give my best to my precious daughters. I got help; I prayed to overcome my anger and carve a positive victimless path for myself. My girls have done the same. We survived the devil and can know the infinite pain survivors feel.
According to then-Senator Joseph Biden, who pushed for the Violence Against Women Act, a law to punish violence against women:
The single greatest danger to a woman's health is violence from men.
Senator Joseph Biden, New York Magazine
Our powers of defense are not up to the sneak attacks from substance fueled assault. Our worst nightmare comes from perpetrators who think they can change, and victims who drown in the substance in response to pain.
In our first anthology, Our Silent Voice: Break the Silence, Marie Posthumus, a Co-Director of Our Silent Voice writes:
What We Never Knew
the smell of his body,
the sweat in the room-
the way he unbraided perceptions with light fingers.
the way he made her crazy tearful as she hungered
for the praise
of her loyalty and ability
to keep
this
just between
them.
It started out warm, and gentle
a hearth fire on a rainy day,
comforting and good.
glow became blue flame
painful, dark, and
fearsome.
he walked away
with the glow
so sure
of her silent voice.
she walked through life
with no light
- found she had the knack
for drinking by the liter.
Lusted after, never loved.
We offer two things: our commitment to the healing power of writing and a place for you to find help.
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