Perps. - Can Violence Be Unlearned?
Marie:
It was a rainy, cool night, and my then- boyfriend of three months was driving my car. I wanted to just stop at a grocery to grab a quart of milk for my morning coffee, so I asked him to park.
“But,” I said, knowing his habit, “please don’t leave the headlights on while the motor is off. It drains the battery.” Being a single person who lived alone at the time, I didn’t want to have to tackle unnecessary car issues.
Henry agreed. “No problem.” As he pulled up and shut off the car, I ran in.
When I came out, I saw that, sure enough, the headlights were on.
I slid into the passenger seat and said, “Why did you leave the headlights on?”
I didn’t even have a chance to buckle my seat belt before Henry shouted and lunged at me, putting his hands around my neck. I could not breathe, and at the time, I was sure he did not realize this. Somehow.
There is a tool used to estimate how much danger a victim faces once an incident of domestic violence occurs. Researched and designed by Jacqueline Campbell, this danger assessment states that there are 22 high risk factors that lead toward domestic homicide. Strangulation is a very significant marker, more so than say, a strike or a kick. There is rarely de-escalation from an attempt at control through constricting the windpipe.
In “No Visible Bruises,” Rachel Snyder points out,
“ ...domestic violence victims are not routinely screened for strangulation…and the victims themselves are often not even aware that they’ve lost consciousness.”
No Visible Bruises by Rachel Snyder
The next thing I could understand was pulling a deep breath in and looking around. Henry, apologizing.
“Oh my god, you wouldn’t have me arrested really, would you?” he asked, looking sad and terrified. My reflex was to comfort him and say, “No, of course not.” I thought, what is he talking about?
“You said that – that’s what you said!” Henry replied, almost pouting. “You said you’d have me arrested.” And slowly I realized and remembered that I could not breathe and I needed to make him stop.
To this day, I have no recollection of saying those words. I had blacked out.
I thank my lucky stars that we broke up and went our separate ways. I don’t feel any surprise when I hear, 15 years later, that he is in jail.
I get sad and angry when I wonder how many others are relieved to find this out, too.
Janet:
"It's four o'clock somewhere in the world." He said this as if I wanted to hear it. I'd been divorced from my first husband for nearly 20 years. He came over after I got home from work. He announced his excuse to drink more after asking me to re-marry him. He'd gotten a new job, felt celebratory, and had an idea. I treated it as a joke while he made Cosmopolitans in my apartment kitchen. When, in the conversation, I giggled, "that's ridiculous and out of the question," his face changed, and the next thing I knew, he hit me in the jaw.
As I got up, still in my suit and only one of my heels, he left calling me a "f……bitch." I called a friend. She told me to leave my apartment immediately and come to her place.
I was stoic and resolved to press charges. I was a graduate of a self-defense class; I was shocked I’d been blindsided. My friend called the police, but they gave some reason they couldn't do anything. The next day when I got home from work, he rang the doorbell and asked me why I had a bruise on my face.
He claimed he wasn't even there. He claimed he was a changed man. He’d learned his lesson.
Yet another blackout excuse. I didn’t believe him.
In an 2018 article from Harper's Bazaar, Jennifer Wright quotes Margaret Atwood, "Men are afraid women will laugh at them. Women are afraid men will kill them." In the article, Jennifer notes the Huffington Post article, "Who Is Killing American Women? Their Husbands And Boyfriends, CDC Confirms."
Ninety-eight percent of homicidal partners are male. Two percent are homicidal women.
My first husband was a good time with his friends, who said, back then, I needed a better sense of humor. He claimed all his friends thought he was a great guy.
For a moment, I believed he might have changed. But drunk, he was trying hard to convince me that he had changed.
They think they can change. We hope they can change. My powers of defense were not up to a sneak attack from a self-proclaimed changed man.
The bruise on my jaw said everything.
If you or someone you know is suffering form domestic abuse, you have options. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233 or TTY 1−800−787−3224. The world is a better place with you in it. You are not alone.