Triggered | Understanding & Overcoming Triggers
Wikipedia defines trigger as, “a mechanism that actuates the firing sequence of a firearm.” They also add, “a small amount of energy applied to the trigger causes the release of much more energy.” We’re here to talk about both.
Janet:
The trigger was swift, unbidden yet it fired. The body of this writer reacted. Fast, it seemed like something hit me from the outside. In reality, sound and images were just on the TV screen. But suddenly, I was there, tied up, my mouth covered. Taste and smell were as real as they were at the party; metallic blood, acrid sweat, and the boys jeering laughter showing in the face of a man who would be a Supreme Court Justice. The trigger acted like a brutal, vicious time machine.
Marie:
At this stage of my life, the trigger starts in an subtle way, without warning or prelude. Let’s say I’m in Starbucks and go to pick up my coffee, and someone bumps into me. They apologize, followed by the usual exchange of pleasantries. We lightly converse about the weather and then, a shift. Something imperceptible has happened and my attention becomes focused on the eyes. Those eyes are calculating, streaming an agenda like a software program running in the background. I feel my heart beating in my ears and my stomach rising up my throat. Those eyes tell me something that the words do not: PREDATOR: in my head, in neon.
My own algorithm eyes scan and warn me: PREDATOR. My code is written differently, built in defense, to weave in and out of these situations. I can feel my innermost muscles tighten, and my smile become as fake as a three dollar bill. I can’t not smile because my mouth is suddenly dry. I’ve had this experience, I’ve had some practice. Depending on the degree of panic, I extricate myself from the situation pretend-graciously, or in total awkwardness. It doesn’t matter. I follow my instinct. This is a hard and fast, do-or-die, listen to the words in my head moment. I hear: never be alone with this person never be in close proximity to this person stay far away at all costs, even if I have to fake-smile-awkward-walk-away-fast.
In a situation where one normally would engage a fight-or-flight response, women are required to put this primal response aside (fighting themselves) and react within the predator’s parameters: when either fight or flight could exacerbate the situation, being polite and unassuming becomes the way to remove yourself, to survive.
“Triggers are like little psychic explosions that crash through avoidance and bring the dissociated, avoided trauma suddenly, unexpectedly, back into consciousness.”
― Carolyn Spring, trauma survivor, author, therapist
Janet:
Triggers might be the sound of a firecracker that takes a warrior back to the battlefield, or screeching brakes and the crunch of metal that takes a broken body back into the side of the freeway, or how the smell of tear gas in Portland can take a 73 year old protester back to the streets in 1968.
As I looked into this psychological response to being triggered, the article published by the Sexual Assault Centre at U. of Alberta in October 2018, spoke to me. Triggers are customized.
“A trigger is something that sets off a memory tape or flashback transporting the person back to the event of her/his original trauma. Triggers are very personal; different things trigger different people. The survivor may begin to avoid situations and stimuli that she/he thinks triggered the flashback. She/he will react to this flashback, trigger with an emotional intensity similar to that at the time of the trauma. A person’s triggers are activated through one or more of the five senses: sight, sound, touch, smell and taste.”
I had a lot of questions! What about the bad dreams I’ve had for years popping up every now and then when I’m afraid? What about the times I’ve stopped breathing and dripped sweat when pressed in the crowd leaving a U of Houston Cougars football game? What about noticing I’m holding my breath during intimacy with my husband? What about the tears that cloud my eyes, for just a minute, on a plane, in row 26 between two big men?
Am I a mess? Well, maybe we all are. While the above list of my messy reactions to normal life seems over blown, I’m able to recognize most of them and have developed coping mechanisms to hide the outward manifestation of those pesky triggers. I’m able to seem even, thoughtful and bright, but when one of them sneaks up on me, I become a puddle of tears.
“While we don't know precisely how triggers are formed, some researchers believe that our brains store memories from a traumatic event differently from memories of a non-traumatic event. Past traumatic events may be interpreted by the brain as current, which causes the body to experience symptoms similar to the original trauma (such as the fight-or-flight response).”
Why are some easier to manage than others? Apparently the psychologic community is still looking into this human phenomenon, but it seems that a “trigger warning” gives us time to prepare. I think this might be true, to an extent. When I chose to write about that party in 1964, a story that will be included in our upcoming anthology, I knew things would be triggered. My messy sob session with Dr. Ford already alerted me that if I wrote, stuff would come up. I got tissues. I told my husband that he could expect another crying jag (poor guy thinks he needs to help), and I began to write. I felt capable of going through it because I was prepared. We went to a U of Houston basketball game before COVID and I readied my coping actions. Breathing pattern, looking up instead of down and my husband holding on to my hand and never letting go. It worked. I got out feeling good. This writer can prepare and be more honest about her own humanity. I think trusting myself to manage it is what’s important.
Marie:
Lots of us have used or heard the word “triggers” in reference to an experience, sound or smell that sets off a panicked reaction in us. Deborah Gray, survivor and blogger gives this succinct description: “ I had on my team t-shirt, hoody, jersey signed by my favorite player, hat, tickets in hand… This is my happy place. Then as I was standing in the concourse ready to get started a marching band of drums walked in behind me, lights flashing, drums pounding. It was loud and right there and all of a sudden I was no longer in my happy place. I was instantly and unexpectedly triggered and falling through the rabbit hole into a state of panic. It was total sensory overload and I was trapped. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t talk. I knew what I was supposed to be doing but couldn’t do it. Someone touched me and I nearly screamed. My heart was pounding and I was nearly hyperventilating. I was moving inexplicably towards the sound, yet unable to stop. I felt like I was going to be sick. “
Gray delves into how the response of those around you can compound the triggered response. Asking why a person is anxious while they are filled with anxiety or reacting to a trigger is not always the best idea, despite good intentions.
“When I’m triggered and someone asks if I’m ok, it makes it worse. I’m not going to talk to you about it, I’m not likely to tell you why I’m not ok, and I’m more likely to start crying just from that one small question of concern. I know you want to help. I know you’re worried about me. I know it makes me sound ungrateful or rude, but to tell the truth, I really don’t care.” This makes sense to me. I relate to the feeling of being so focused on regaining composure that another person’s questions are just distracting. In those moments, what is needed most is unquestioning acceptance. Someone who can stay with you through the anxiety without discussion or judgements. If you have found a person who can understand this, that’s your person. Keep them close.