Self-Trust: Who Can I Tell?
Marie:
When we are small and a sibling gets away with something, or a classmate breaks the rules, we say “I’m gonna tell!” and the usual retort is, “Don’t be a tattle-tale.” We learn that secrets are to be kept quiet. We learn early about lies and their power, and about staying silent. More recently in the grown-up world, companies like Ubisoft and Warner Media (The Ellen Degeneres Show) and even Apple have been in the news as a result of reports of toxic work environments.
At Ubisoft, after an independent survey, one in every four employees said they did not feel safe in their work environment and had seen or been directly affected by workplace misconduct. At Apple, at least a dozen women have come forward to report workplace practice that includes jokes about rape and gender stereotypes by male employees.
Janet:
When I read an article in the Washington Post about sexual harassment in the Washington Redskins professional football organization and reflected on my own professional career, my first reaction is "so, what's new?' It's so true, so real, and familiar, a part of the day to day workplace. The horror can only be seen when we ask the right questions. The first question we all ask, "Why?" But it’s always the wrong question because we blame ourselves or the answer leads to no solution. Our natural actions are suspect, seen as whining when being a "good sport" kills the soul.
When I wanted to report the constant request from my boss to meet after work for sex, I couldn’t report it. Why? Because I was the HR department! I had no one to tell and when a co-manager found out about my firing, he advised me to keep my head down and stay quiet.
Marie:
It’s not an easy thing to be the whistle blower, or to be in the news about a subject like sexual harassment. It’s no small thing to report someone for sexual abuse, no matter how subtle or outrageous – it’s all outrageous, we know. But we also know that you can never unring that bell.
Have you ever second guessed yourself? Asked yourself, what if I had taken the local streets instead of the highway, maybe I wouldn’t be in traffic – right? We all do this. But when it comes to sexual misconduct, that self-doubt and second guessing is amplified. Instead of placing the blame squarely where it belongs, we question ourselves. We ask a thousand questions and obscure the simple truth with shame. Shame is a huge player meshed in with all of this. Shame researcher, Brene Brown says:
Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change. And Even to me the issue of ‘stay small, sweet, quiet, and modest’ sounds like an outdated problem, but the truth is that women still run into those demands whenever we find and use our voices.
- Brene Brown
Janet:
The list of statements from the women documented in the Washington Post article July, 2020, is too long for this blog, so I offer a sample about the working culture of the Washington Redskins.
”….during my time working there I made a formal complaint of sexual harassment and my job was immediately "eliminated" & the male co-worker was protected.”
“Sadly, this is exactly the kind of culture I was in for most of my career at a law firm. The male lawyers talking about my breasts to each other and to me, saying they had bets that my breasts were implants.”
“The women said they often felt helpless and believed complaints about the executives’ behavior were ignored. One woman, Emily Applegate, said she assumed Allen, who was not accused of inappropriate behavior, knew what was happening because his office was just 30 feet away from her and saw her “sobbing at my desk several times every week.”
Women and men are often quiet about sexual harassment in the workplace because there is nowhere to go. And then, when an enterprising reporter finds you and you talk, the worst can happen – you lose your job. In my HR job, I was a working mother of two school age girls. After the meeting with my co-manager, I began to weigh options. Put up with it and smile or talk. I found, the greater the threat the quieter I became.
Gavin Sharp, a therapist, writes about the expectation in some organizations that women should get strong and keep reporting. As if a library of reports will make a difference. The real danger is losing your position, your job, your credibility, becoming an unemployed trouble maker.
Sharp recounts:
I worked with a client in therapy who would not speak about her previous experience of continued sexual harassment at work until the harasser was dead. Only then did she feel safe. She is also the CEO of her own company.
- Gavin Sharp, The Real Reasons Sexual Assault Victims Don’t Speak Up
Marie:
One of the things that is getting better is the mechanisms for anonymously reporting. These are becoming more common in large companies. Ubisoft has plans in place to deal with the internal issues and create a safer and better work environment. Reports like this are more widely investigated than before, and voices are beginning to be heard. There is admittedly still a long way to go. But there is hope.
Our Silent Voice offers a place to be heard. Story submissions are not only valued and brave, but the sharing your story is an act of compassion. Your voices will empower others, and make them feel less alone.
Janet:
To speak out, to be bold, to list your name, to raise your fist, to protest the constant drum beat of harassment in the workplace, may be to write about it.
Tell us at www.oursilentvoice.com. We can publish your/our stories from the front line, in Our Silent Voice: From The Workplace.
We are listening.
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